The voices had changed. There were new ones now who had joined Screamer.

One night they told me to get up and I did. I stood in the front living room where they said they were going to hold a ceremony. They were going to give me a yellow feather. Now, I had heard of this online. I had heard someone say before in the Native American chats that they wanted someone to get a yellow feather which is supposed to be shameful. So the voices wanted to give me this yellow feather for being shameful. They started to hold this 'ceremony'. Then when it was over they said I was now banished from all people. I was banished from the circle and then they said I was now banished from all of the great whole. They said I was banished forever from everything sacred and I would live completely alone, never again to be inside the circle or in the whole of all things living or spirit ...

They stopped. They got quiet. Then this one asks me. "Do you feel anything?"

"No," I spoke to them with my mental voice, not verbally. I didn't feel banished from anything.

Then this woman says. "You didn't feel anything because you're stupid. You have no feelings. You don't love anything. If you loved anything you would feel sad, right now, and cry."

Then this man says. "You are not crying Ahuli!"

So I looked up and started trying to search for my will to cry but they were right. I couldn't feel anything. So then we go back to me laying back down in bed. They gathered again and there were sounds everywhere and music. They said I had stolen everything I had that was to me. Everything I ever learned from observing others, I stole it and now they were going to take back from me everything I had ever stolen. I learned how to sew watching my mother. This was stolen. I learned gestures from other people. This was stolen. All my personalities were stolen. Everything I had ever written was stolen.

Then these women gathered around me while I lay in bed and they started taking all these things away from me. I could feel their hands sinking into my body and into my head and then pulling out. This time I cried until I remembered I still had wolf.

They told me they could read everything about me, even memories and every thought I would have. There was nothing I could hide from them. So then they started to demand I show them the wolf by 'bringing them out'. I showed them the wolf. Then they said I stole the wolf too and demanded I give the wolf over to them. I am a fool and I am stupid but I am not morales or completely jacked. I refused to hand wolf over. Wolf went back to hide. They started trying to catch my wolf and we had these things and visualizations for a couple of days. Then, they had captured my wolf on a leash which was like no sensation I ever had before and I fought until they let go of me. Still no wolf for them. I put wolf into my head into a corner of a steep rocky rise, bristling fur, trying to keep some kind of sacred space somewhere.

The voices got into my head to make noises. There was one who sounded constantly like a mosquito. The mosquito would get into my ear. It would go through my head and it would get into my nose. It wasn't an actual mosquito but the sound of one.

They wanted me to stand and do another 'ceremony' but I wouldn't follow. I wasn't doing what they asked.

Then one night they started to hold a ceremony of their own. There was great music all around from everywhere and a drum going. It sounded like a chorus at night in the country. This one came up I call Whispers who would make a half circle across the room whispering "freeeaky deaky". There was another, Drummer, who seemed to be the one playing the drum. Somehow I would mess things up and all would stop and then Drummer would say. "Ahuli, you have disrupted the ceremony!" This is where they all started wanting me to be quiet in my mind, not speak with my mental voice until they finally got tired of me and took my mental voice away. Then, if I wanted to speak I would have to 'steal' one of theirs.

This is how it went

I was waking up one morning. I was still having a dream I can't remember except that I saw a great light coming through a window and there was an orange bed and here these people came in playing music. As I woke up the music stayed. As I became fully awake I was wondering at this sound. It was like a croaking sound someone was making. Then another came with a new sound, the two sounds were wandering around my room when a third sound joined them. This one told me these were their special voices. They were their special, one song in this realm of voices. Then they told me I couldn't have one of these and they started to sing. "You are not one of us and we are not one of you."

This continued to progress into the choruses of these many, hundreds and drumming. Then they had somehow taken my inner voice away. I could no longer think in my own inner voice. I had to use one of thiers to 'speak' anything. So when they were talking I would end up 'interrupting' by making them say what I wanted to speak.

They wanted me to be quiet. They didn't want me to speak at all with my inner voice. They wanted me to be as quiet as a Buddhist sitting in front of the Dali Lamma and I tried and tried but it never seemed to be working.

They put me through some more of these tests. They had me pull things out of drawers and from behind places I never even thought about stuff being lost up behind it. They criticized everything I owned. They wanted me to take all the stuff I had on my walls through the house down because my home was not perfectly aligned.

Then there was a mans voice in the kitchen and he asked me, "Where am I?"

So I went into the kitchen and tried to point him out but he had no source coming from where I thought he was. Then he said. "We're not in the kitchen. We're in the attic. We're in the attic. We set up camera's through the ceiling vents to watch you and now we're up here watching the cameras."

So I opened the attic stairs and I climbed up and looked all in the attic but no one was up there. Then a mans voice said. "We're watching from a short circuit across the street. We set up recorders through the house to speak through and we're now across the street in your neighbors house."

I looked outside but I didn't dare go to my neighbors. So I started looking around my house and in the cieling vents for these cameras and recorders and couldn't find anything.

Then this mans voice asks me "Where are we now?"

"I don't know."

"Where do you think we are Ahuli?"

So I told him, "I think you're in my head and I'm mad."

The voices themselves put me through all this stuff about who they were or where they were. They kept changing their voices to sound like different people. We kept going and going through this process of elimination. They were not anyone I actually new in my real waking life. They weren't any of my family or friends. They weren't people I knew online. They weren't Farscape crew. They weren't any of the neighbors. There wasn't any cameras or recorders or sound tracks. They weren't the running waters of the fish tank. They weren't in the Tv or the refrigerator running. They weren't on the walls, in the walls or by the walls yet I could hear them as outside of me like hearing someone talk in normal life, only no-body was there. And they could talk inside of me. They could talk inside my chest. Inside my nose. Inside my head. They could get into my ears and wander around all over me and inside me. They were not my inner mental voice, which by now I couldn't even use myself anymore. Not a train or a plane, neither here nor over there. It's green eggs and ham.

They could also touch me which I could feel. They'd stick their hands inside my body and there were some instances it seemed like we were having some sexual encounters but I wasn't appreciating it. They weren't invited and I felt like it was a pretty hippocratic thing to do to me after getting all pissed off at me for writing a story.

This is one of the main reasons, when I got back to myself, I started to write stories in the dark, so to speak. I wanted to be able to write in my stories any nightmare, any rape. I wanted to be able to travel through my own darkside and write anything I could bring myself to more as a healing, a vent and a point. Like, telling my voices. I can write about rape and horrors if I want to and they don't make me an evil or a hateful person and I shouldn't be questioned of my actions from my own Harvey head.

The voices divided into two groups. The men and the women. They said I had to decide which group I was going to belong to and I would have to choose the right thing.

I was put into the women's group. The women came around me and started to torment me. One of them started to blow this ice cold air into my chest with her breath. She blew it into my chest and I could feel it all through my whole chest like cold, cold ice. With it then came a sound of one of them screaming inside my head. She was screaming so loud it was vibrating in my head like a roar that can shake windows. As this one blew, that one screamed. This lasted for a while until they told me I would have to choose a new animal spirit besides my wolf. I wasn't giving wolf up. They wouldn't take wolf. I had to choose a new animal spirit and this animal would have to choose which side it was going to be on.

I was then visualizing how I was a fox. They said I had to pick the color of this fox and it had to be a color they aproved of. I couldn't decide what color the fox was so I had a fox who changed his coat for all the seasons. Red, gray, black, white and a blue fox. Nobody seemed to like this. Fox ran to the man's side but the men voices chased me away. The fox ran to the women's side and they said I was too much like a man so I would have to go back to the men. I had this fox running back and forth like this until they finally decided I wasn't joining anyone and could not be their fox.

The having to stand or sit around waiting for permission to move ended in a few more tests they put me through. It was then I started trying to fight back.

In one I had to wait for permission to eat anything. I asked permission to eat a banana and they let me. I was almost done with the banana when they told me to stop eating it and throw it away. I threw it away even though I was incredibly hungry. Then one of them told me to take the bandana out of the garbage can and eat it. I stopped in my tracks. "Whoop! Whoop!" This one voice shouted. They all seemed to be quiet for a second.

Another time they told me to stand in front of the front door. I did so. By the door is a crucifix that belongs to my husband. They told me to kneel down to the crucifix and pray to Jesus. I did no such thing. "Whoop! Whoop!" This same one from before shouted again. They all seemed to be quiet for a second again.

Then this one says. "I want you to call us Two Whups. That is our name from now on."

I refused. I said, "I'm not calling any of you Two Whups."

Then they decided I was going to admit what my faith was or go to hell. I wouldn't tell them what I believed in. The started asking me questions like did I believe in Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I would not answer that. We went around like this for a couple of days when one night one of them grabbed me and started to push me down. He pushed me down until my head was touching the brinks of some kind of hell and asked me very gently to tell him if I believed in Great Spirit. So I told this one, and I was pretty terrified of the thought he'd actually throw me into the Christian hell and I'd never be able to see my Creator.

The voices, noises and music were collected into the back living room again with me while I was trying to sleep. They had this bigger vortex where millions of voices were and they were telling me something like they were not here, they were not there but there were this many of them. I could hear all of them like a great crowd larger than a foot ball stadium.

I'm not exactly sure what the turning point was. I think it was they themselves, testing me with these trials, seeing just how far I could be pushed, just how gullible I would be, looking for my defiance and standing ground. They wanted me to hate them back and I wouldn't do it. They constantly, relentlessly called me names and cursed at me.

The voices wouldn't stop. I had no silence. Day in, all night, through my dreams, no peace. They cursed all the time, their words shot out like hard, flat knocks to cause me physical pain. The drum they played was a sound like a flat, wet drum that had a point it consumed my entire mind. My temples went numb from it. I thought of killing myself but I didn't want to. They had to shut up. I pleaded for mercy. There were several times I just came to my knees and cried like I've never felt before. I cried so deeply it felt like I was drawing from somewhere down far past my own body deep into the earth beneath me. There is no word in the English language.

Something had to relent somewhere. I started to visualize of anything to do without them, using things from the beginning to some how hit some kind of ignore button. I tried to concentrate on something or anything that was doing without them. I had a small stone I dropped on the table over and over and over. I'd get on the grill and work and scrub and scrub and scrub. I sang my own chants while they were chanting. When they'd start talking I'd 'steal' the voice and make whatever words I wanted hear or say or jumble them up with nonsense. Then I started doing this visualization thing of Fox Mulder playing a drum set to my own chant song from Adam Ant. "Bang, bang. You're dead. Did not did too, so iddy bop, betty bop and bet it on you. Bang, bang."