A Spiritual Madness
Links in Fanfic
Links to Other Stories
The Dark Night of My Soul
A Spiritual Madness
Altered States
Never Silence in My Hell
A Quiet Path
The Great Gathering
Dare to Breath
Spider Keeper and Praying Mantis
Do the Mapths
Respect, Trust, Sacred Space

Moving the site to a new url

Many Things


I'm not really sure why I started in on this. I think writing the dream book has made me feel a little better about giving it a good try.

These pages are about experiences I've had, trying to muddle through a time I had gone through not long ago I call my spiritual madness where I started hearing voices and experiencing things and sensations that lasted for months. I've tried to describe it as some kind of break down but I think a more accurate term is I had a spiritual awakening.

I'm going to try to talk about it, I keep making some efforts here and there that kind of die so I thought perhaps making a site for it would make me feel better, give it a home. The only thing I can think to do really is to just bring up one thing at a time. I loose sequence of events exactly, but there were lessons in here and I've found them to be valuable and I understand some now allot more than I did while things were happening to me.

So I'll be making these pages in the lessons from these voices that I gathered from some of the things I went through. I believe they will be valuable to others as well and there were some interesting concepts that came up. These are probably metaphysical ones and shamanistic but I haven't really thought allot about shamans and who they are until I started reading allot more about what they go through and just how much the animal totems mean to them, and something someone said to me. It's very interesting and allot of it has helped me make sense of things. Among the medicine men and women, the shamen is the shape that takes form in the ancient wisdom of the ancestors to do with psychology.

 I feel like getting this stuff off my chest. What I went through was very personal and really not very easy to talk about at all. Some of it is humorous, frightening, humiliating or just very very strange. It is no fun being insane.

I think I might need some help piecing things together. If you have any questions please email me and ask. I think that would help.



A Little About Me

I am known as WolfDrum and ChianaGray online. I walk between two worlds. I am an androgynous (tomboy) female (32) and I am very diverse as a person. When people get past calling me wierd, they call me profound or very wise. I am a bit of a shapeshifter. I am a forest child and my spirit is the wolf. I'm a loner and I live mostly in solitude, though I am close to my family. I am also married and I have a son. I do not do drugs and I do not drink. I'm very spiritual but I do not have a religion. I am Native American.

I am also very open minded and I respect all beliefs and cultures and enjoy learning about many different spiritual paths. I believe in the universal truths and what I think those truths are and how the ancestors teach of them as well as the many living things all around say. Truth is important to me and so is trust and respect. I enjoy most being around a great diversity even though I can be cautious and shy. It's hard for me to say much until I feel private, comfortable and safe. I have no room nor energy in my life for hatred.

My favorite thing to do is write stories and I hope to publish one or two sometime. I have some still trying to develop for that, but in the meantime I mostly write fanfic of my favorite Tv series, Farscape, sometimes in collaboration with some of my friends. My most favorite character is Chiana.

I don't make very many friends at all but when I do we are always close and it'd suit me just fine to know them and stay in contact till the end of my days. Even they know I'm very private, I'm not really very open about myself. I'm quiet, I like my solitude most of the time but I do have a sense of humor and I like talking to and meeting people and hearing of their stories and such on an individual basis. I enjoy sharing of thought, stories, inspiration, beliefs, philosophies and so on though I often do more listening than talking. Usually, people have to ask me something first or just start talking to each other and then I'm able to include what it makes me think of. Otherwise, we can be quiet for a really long time.

I'm not going to use my real name. I barely ever give that out online and only those closest to me really know it. For this reason I'm going to call myself Ahuli for the times the voices I've heard say my name. It means drum in Tsalagi (Cherokee).

Depeche Mode
I Feel Loved
It's the dark night of my soul
And temptation's taking hold
But through the pain and the suffering
Through the heartache and trembling
I feel loved
I feel loved
As the darkness closes in
In my head I hear whispering
Questioning and beckoning
But I'm not taken in
I feel loved
I feel loved
From the depths of my emptiness
Comes a feeling of inner bliss
I feel wanted, I feel desired
I can feel my soul on fire
I feel loved
I feel loved


My Other Links

A Dream Journey

Farscape: Chiana's ChiHouse

Drawing Gallery

The graphics on this site are screencaptures from the television series:

A Spiritual Madness is authored by
WolfDrum aka ChianaGray
Copyright 4/5/04

4/20/04 - Minor revision to The Great Gathering
(updated Star House/Lodge resources)
4/20/04 - Added Sacred Geometry and Sri Yantra links
To Spider Keeper and Praying Mantis
4/20/04 - Added Ascent-Descent depiction
To Do The Mapths