The voices had changed. There were new ones now who had joined Screamer.
One night they told me to get up and I did. I stood in the front living room where they said they were going to hold a
ceremony. They were going to give me a yellow feather. Now, I had heard of this online. I had heard someone say before in
the Native American chats that they wanted someone to get a yellow feather which is supposed to be shameful. So the voices
wanted to give me this yellow feather for being shameful. They started to hold this 'ceremony'. Then when it was over they
said I was now banished from all people. I was banished from the circle and then they said I was now banished from all of
the great whole. They said I was banished forever from everything sacred and I would live completely alone, never again to
be inside the circle or in the whole of all things living or spirit ...
They stopped. They got quiet. Then this one asks me. "Do you feel anything?"
"No," I spoke to them with my mental voice, not verbally. I didn't feel banished from anything.
Then this woman says. "You didn't feel anything because you're stupid. You have no feelings. You don't love anything. If
you loved anything you would feel sad, right now, and cry."
Then this man says. "You are not crying Ahuli!"
So I looked up and started trying to search for my will to cry but they were right. I couldn't feel anything. So then we
go back to me laying back down in bed. They gathered again and there were sounds everywhere and music. They said I had stolen
everything I had that was to me. Everything I ever learned from observing others, I stole it and now they were going to take
back from me everything I had ever stolen. I learned how to sew watching my mother. This was stolen. I learned gestures from
other people. This was stolen. All my personalities were stolen. Everything I had ever written was stolen.
Then these women gathered around me while I lay in bed and they started taking all these things away from me. I could feel
their hands sinking into my body and into my head and then pulling out. This time I cried until I remembered I still had wolf.
They told me they could read everything about me, even memories and every thought I would have. There was nothing I could
hide from them. So then they started to demand I show them the wolf by 'bringing them out'. I showed them the wolf. Then they
said I stole the wolf too and demanded I give the wolf over to them. I am a fool and I am stupid but I am not morales or completely
jacked. I refused to hand wolf over. Wolf went back to hide. They started trying to catch my wolf and we had these things
and visualizations for a couple of days. Then, they had captured my wolf on a leash which was like no sensation I ever had
before and I fought until they let go of me. Still no wolf for them. I put wolf into my head into a corner of a steep rocky
rise, bristling fur, trying to keep some kind of sacred space somewhere.
The voices got into my head to make noises. There was one who sounded constantly like a mosquito. The mosquito would get
into my ear. It would go through my head and it would get into my nose. It wasn't an actual mosquito but the sound of one.
They wanted me to stand and do another 'ceremony' but I wouldn't follow. I wasn't doing what they asked.
Then one night they started to hold a ceremony of their own. There was great music all around from everywhere and a drum
going. It sounded like a chorus at night in the country. This one came up I call Whispers who would make a half circle across
the room whispering "freeeaky deaky". There was another, Drummer, who seemed to be the one playing the drum. Somehow I would
mess things up and all would stop and then Drummer would say. "Ahuli, you have disrupted the ceremony!" This is where they
all started wanting me to be quiet in my mind, not speak with my mental voice until they finally got tired of me and took
my mental voice away. Then, if I wanted to speak I would have to 'steal' one of theirs.
This is how it went
I was waking up one morning. I was still having a dream I can't remember except that I saw a great light coming through
a window and there was an orange bed and here these people came in playing music. As I woke up the music stayed. As I became
fully awake I was wondering at this sound. It was like a croaking sound someone was making. Then another came with a new sound,
the two sounds were wandering around my room when a third sound joined them. This one told me these were their special voices.
They were their special, one song in this realm of voices. Then they told me I couldn't have one of these and they started
to sing. "You are not one of us and we are not one of you."
This continued to progress into the choruses of these many, hundreds and drumming. Then they had somehow taken my inner
voice away. I could no longer think in my own inner voice. I had to use one of thiers to 'speak' anything. So when they were
talking I would end up 'interrupting' by making them say what I wanted to speak.
They wanted me to be quiet. They didn't want me to speak at all with my inner voice. They wanted me to be as quiet as a
Buddhist sitting in front of the Dali Lamma and I tried and tried but it never seemed to be working.
They put me through some more of these tests. They had me pull things out of drawers and from behind places I never even
thought about stuff being lost up behind it. They criticized everything I owned. They wanted me to take all the stuff I had
on my walls through the house down because my home was not perfectly aligned.
Then there was a mans voice in the kitchen and he asked me, "Where am I?"
So I went into the kitchen and tried to point him out but he had no source coming from where I thought he was. Then he
said. "We're not in the kitchen. We're in the attic. We're in the attic. We set up camera's through the ceiling vents to watch
you and now we're up here watching the cameras."
So I opened the attic stairs and I climbed up and looked all in the attic but no one was up there. Then a mans voice said.
"We're watching from a short circuit across the street. We set up recorders through the house to speak through and we're now
across the street in your neighbors house."
I looked outside but I didn't dare go to my neighbors. So I started looking around my house and in the cieling vents for
these cameras and recorders and couldn't find anything.
Then this mans voice asks me "Where are we now?"
"I don't know."
"Where do you think we are Ahuli?"
So I told him, "I think you're in my head and I'm mad."
The voices themselves put me through all this stuff about who they were or where they were. They kept changing their voices
to sound like different people. We kept going and going through this process of elimination. They were not anyone I actually
new in my real waking life. They weren't any of my family or friends. They weren't people I knew online. They weren't Farscape
crew. They weren't any of the neighbors. There wasn't any cameras or recorders or sound tracks. They weren't the running waters
of the fish tank. They weren't in the Tv or the refrigerator running. They weren't on the walls, in the walls or by the walls
yet I could hear them as outside of me like hearing someone talk in normal life, only no-body was there. And they could talk
inside of me. They could talk inside my chest. Inside my nose. Inside my head. They could get into my ears and wander around
all over me and inside me. They were not my inner mental voice, which by now I couldn't even use myself anymore. Not a train
or a plane, neither here nor over there. It's green eggs and ham.
They could also touch me which I could feel. They'd stick their hands inside my body and there were some instances it seemed
like we were having some sexual encounters but I wasn't appreciating it. They weren't invited and I felt like it was a pretty
hippocratic thing to do to me after getting all pissed off at me for writing a story.
This is one of the main reasons, when I got back to myself, I started to write stories in the dark, so to speak. I wanted
to be able to write in my stories any nightmare, any rape. I wanted to be able to travel through my own darkside and write
anything I could bring myself to more as a healing, a vent and a point. Like, telling my voices. I can write about rape and
horrors if I want to and they don't make me an evil or a hateful person and I shouldn't be questioned of my actions from my
own Harvey head.
One night I was dreaming and even in my dreams I couldn't get away from all these voices and their music. The dreams
I had always known were gone. None of my totems or guides would come to me. In this dream I was wandering at night through
this land. It was a vast land with a clearing like a park with street lights. Here I met this hound dog who was traveling
and howling. When I woke up the very same hound dog was right beside my bed. I couldn't actually see him but I could make
an outline, sense his presence and hear him. It scared me and then he growled and ran away. Then the voices again got mad
at me because I chased away the hound dog. I started to feel a little irate because I didn't want their hound dog.
In another dream I felt this hand touching me along my chest. I wasn't really awake, I wouldn't realize until after this
I wasn't awake at all. I grabbed the hand and they told me to let go. I refused to let go of the hand. I was afraid. They
told me again to let go of their hand and I wouldn't let go. Then this being rose up. They were tall and long and began to
make this hollow sounding scream like I've never heard before and they were pulling me with them into this other realm of
a dark abyss. I was more scared of that than them and let go. Then I woke up.
It was kind of like continuing the process of elimination. They were not this and not that. They existed but they did
not. They were tangible but they were not.
We had some more ceremonies and tests
I was sitting in the computer room. The voices I had decided I was not a humble person. I was not humble enough for them
so they were going to hand me over to these other people. Soon off from the East these others started coming and they said
they were Lakota and they were going to decide if I was worthy of being adopted. Then they said I would be adopted but first
they would regard me as a dog. So they asked me if I would be the dog and I didn't want to be their dog. So then they said
I would be their slave which was an upgrade from a dog, so would I be their slave. I didn't want to be a slave either. Then
they said my name was Ahuli Dog and then these others started singing this chant that was my first name with Dog as my middle
There were young warrior men in the voices and they started snorting and chuckling and talking about how stupid I was.
Then these women came forward. They said they wanted me to go to the shelf beside my wall and pick the feather I had up there
by its steep. I went to the feather they were talking about but I couldn't figure which part of it was its steep. A young
man started laughing again when I finally said there was no steep after trying to pick the feather up every which way. He
kind of snorted and said, "You're stupid." Then these ones left as my attention was drawn to the kitchen.
In there I saw/heard this tiny little sound who was like a tiny little light. It was high pitched and in my minds eye,
my Mushroom eye, it seemed like a little star singing. Then the star went wide and broad and looked like a current and its
sound got deeper, broader and louder. Then it shrunk again into the star and became high pitched again. I didn't actually
see anything physically but I could visualize it like the way Mushroom was seeing things.
I was in my bed room when another one came up like an example of how the voices could change they way they sounded but
still be who or whatever they were. Above my head came this screaming sound like a passing jet. Only this was staying right
where it was close to the cieling and had other sounds in it like shrieking metal. It was about a head size and seemed to
me like some kind of little vortex. One of them was explaining how this was what some people sounded like. This was noisy
people with noisy heads. It was a vortex of all their rages and they carried this above their heads all the time. The only
way to close it was to stop being noisy in the head and full of rage.
My husband and I went to sleep in our living room for some reason. I don't know why he decided to do it but we put the
mattress from the bed down in the living room and slept here for a few days. Actually, it did seem to become much better to
sleep in here. I was having nothing but nightmares and kept waking him up almost every night by bolting up out of a dead sleep
screaming bloody murder. I don't remember all the dreams but I can remember some of them which were as bad and even far far
worse than the nightmares I had as a child. Most of them were very terrifying, others would have made some really good horror
movies I would never care to see.
The first night we slept in the big living room in the back of the house a procession came through the doorway while I
was asleep and supposed to be dreaming. Instead I was 'awake' and 'dreaming' of them as they came through and started their
singing and chants and music. This one was walking past me and he had duck's feet. Every time he would pass me he would try
to step on me with his duck feet and then one of them started screaming out this out rageous Donald Duck voice. At first I
thought it was some kind of roar coming from the doorway, like a huge sounding sonic thunder. I never heard anything more
loud but it began to lessen and become a little more tangible until I could tell some joker was making a Donald Duck. I looked
around, not sure if I was awake or actually asleep and dreaming. I couldn't tell what state I was in. I saw to men sitting
not far away in the dark and they were talking to me like I had always been listening to what they were saying.
They were going on something about being observers. They were objective. They weren't there to blame me of anything or
hurt me. They seemed very serious if not disappointed with me which was a very strange contrast from the crazy Donald Duck
thing. I couldn't really see them. I was trying to make them out. I could see that they were two men, elders, but they were
in the dark and their eyes were shining. Then I did wake up. I was asleep ... but I woke up sitting up on my arm just like
I had been doing while I was asleep and dreaming. I started to cry when I could hear very loudly the cries of wolves. For
a brief little while I had peace because the wolves were drowning out every other noise and for the brief little while I had
my own inner mental voice as I joined their sounds with my own howls. Then the howls of the wolves I could make happen or
call upon as I 'stole' the sounds to keep the howls for as long as I could.
The voices, noises and music brought me another ceremony to deal with.
The voices divided into two groups. The men and the women. They said I had to decide which group I was going to belong
to and I would have to choose the right thing.
I was put into the women's group. The women came around me and started to torment me. One of them started to blow this
ice cold air into my chest with her breath. She blew it into my chest and I could feel it all through my whole chest like
cold, cold ice. With it then came a sound of one of them screaming inside my head. She was screaming so loud it was vibrating
in my head like a roar that can shake windows. As this one blew, that one screamed. This lasted for a while until they told
me I would have to choose a new animal spirit besides my wolf. I wasn't giving wolf up. They wouldn't take wolf. I had to
choose a new animal spirit and this animal would have to choose which side it was going to be on.
I was then visualizing how I was a fox. They said I had to pick the color of this fox and it had to be a color they aproved
of. I couldn't decide what color the fox was so I had a fox who changed his coat for all the seasons. Red, gray, black, white
and a blue fox. Nobody seemed to like this. Fox ran to the man's side but the men voices chased me away. The fox ran to the
women's side and they said I was too much like a man so I would have to go back to the men. I had this fox running back and
forth like this until they finally decided I wasn't joining anyone and could not be their fox.
The having to stand or sit around waiting for permission to move ended in a few more tests they put me through. It was
then I started trying to fight back.
In one I had to wait for permission to eat anything. I asked permission to eat a banana and they let me. I was almost done
with the banana when they told me to stop eating it and throw it away. I threw it away even though I was incredibly hungry.
Then one of them told me to take the bandana out of the garbage can and eat it. I stopped in my tracks. "Whoop! Whoop!" This
one voice shouted. They all seemed to be quiet for a second.
Another time they told me to stand in front of the front door. I did so. By the door is a crucifix that belongs to my husband.
They told me to kneel down to the crucifix and pray to Jesus. I did no such thing. "Whoop! Whoop!" This same one from before
shouted again. They all seemed to be quiet for a second again.
Then this one says. "I want you to call us Two Whups. That is our name from now on."
I refused. I said, "I'm not calling any of you Two Whups."
Then they decided I was going to admit what my faith was or go to hell. I wouldn't tell them what I believed in. The started
asking me questions like did I believe in Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I would not answer that. We went around like
this for a couple of days when one night one of them grabbed me and started to push me down. He pushed me down until my head
was touching the brinks of some kind of hell and asked me very gently to tell him if I believed in Great Spirit. So I told
this one, and I was pretty terrified of the thought he'd actually throw me into the Christian hell and I'd never be able to
see my Creator.
The voices, noises and music were collected into the back living room again with me while I was trying to sleep. They had
this bigger vortex where millions of voices were and they were telling me something like they were not here, they were not
there but there were this many of them. I could hear all of them like a great crowd larger than a foot ball stadium.
I'm not exactly sure what the turning point was. I think it was they themselves, testing me with these trials, seeing just
how far I could be pushed, just how gullible I would be, looking for my defiance and standing ground. They wanted me to hate
them back and I wouldn't do it. They constantly, relentlessly called me names and cursed at me.
The voices wouldn't stop. I had no silence. Day in, all night, through my dreams, no peace. They cursed all the time, their
words shot out like hard, flat knocks to cause me physical pain. The drum they played was a sound like a flat, wet drum that
had a point it consumed my entire mind. My temples went numb from it. I thought of killing myself but I didn't want to. They
had to shut up. I pleaded for mercy. There were several times I just came to my knees and cried like I've never felt before.
I cried so deeply it felt like I was drawing from somewhere down far past my own body deep into the earth beneath me. There
is no word in the English language.
Something had to relent somewhere. I started to visualize of anything to do without them, using things from the beginning
to some how hit some kind of ignore button. I tried to concentrate on something or anything that was doing without them. I
had a small stone I dropped on the table over and over and over. I'd get on the grill and work and scrub and scrub and scrub.
I sang my own chants while they were chanting. When they'd start talking I'd 'steal' the voice and make whatever words I wanted
hear or say or jumble them up with nonsense. Then I started doing this visualization thing of Fox Mulder playing a drum set
to my own chant song from Adam Ant. "Bang, bang. You're dead. Did not did too, so iddy bop, betty bop and bet it on you. Bang,
Eventually I could tell something was working somewhere with my own repetitions because they started being less in numbers
and the words they'd say started to make no sense at all or was mumbled up.
I was going to hit a new era ... my own inner silence and sacred space. They never did become clear enough about who or
what they were. The less they had the more I started believing it was only me and my mind and I'd gone crazy. My husband had
all he could take and took me to a councilor. He assured me they'd never lock me away. I'd have to be a danger to someone
or myself. I took the pills. The first two times taking them made me vomit. They had no affect on me so the dosage was increased.
I took them for as long as I still could hear things out of any peace for myself. When I had peace again, I stopped taking
Whatever things had been all my trust was broken. My hope was devoid. I no longer knew what to think or what to believe
about anything. My faith was on a rocky shore with things about guides and people who hear voices. I didn't think anyone would
understand. I expected rejection and bitterness, I expected the hatred and name calling and lashing out at me and thinking
bad things about me. I got back online. Instead I found how real friends and family are understanding, forgiving people, even
when it's on the puter.
A Quiet Path