A Spiritual Madness
Altered States
Links in Fanfic
Links to Other Stories
The Dark Night of My Soul
A Spiritual Madness
Altered States
Never Silence in My Hell
A Quiet Path
The Great Gathering
Dare to Breath
Spider Keeper and Praying Mantis
Do the Mapths
Respect, Trust, Sacred Space


Mushroom was woken up, out of a tar pit like a tar baby. Like a tar rabbit in the old Briar Bear and Briar Rabbit story. Briar Rabbit was a pain in his ass, so he made a tar baby out of tar that looked just like a rabbit. Briar Rabbit embraced the creature and became stuck in the tar. Ole Briar Bear had him now and swore he was going to cook him or something. Briar Rabbit pleaded with him. Do anything to him at all he says, anything but throw him in the briar patch! So that's just what Briar Bear does. He throws Briar Rabbit in the briar patch, never the wiser that that was just where the rabbit wanted to be and settled down nice and cozy into his warren.

In this dark place Mushroom was waking through the tapping, tap-tap. Boejan working connections. Then she is awake in the dark. I am sitting in my living room and I can feel her as coming up to live in the right side of my head. She's blind. She can't exactly see. The way she see's is through my temple rather than my eye so she started to look at a single tiny dot of light in the room. She stared at it until she started to draw out more and more. She was an even stronger personality than Boejan had been.

She was a child. Her speech was kind of slurred. It was hard to talk. She was waking up. She played with her hands allot, making motions and movement, passing pistons, thinking with her hands. It is hard to describe her. I'd have to 'be' her to really explain because she had her very own things that communicated with her. Voices I don't have now. They were her own specialness.

I was very embarrassed. I tried to go to work and stuff without saying anything to anyone but Mushroom was as clear as the dawn. I couldn't try to pretend something wasn't happening. It was like I had become completely retarded. Some people have their vision quests up on mountains in private. I was in public all over the place.

Mushroom could see in most awesome ways. It was fantastic. I remember one time my husband took me with him to pay a bill at this store and as we drove along everything we were passing by just sped past in these echoes like a very jittery vision going twice and three times of itself. Then we got there and I walked in everything was in slow motion and dragging behind itself. I could hear the whispers of the people around me like they were colors. I could 'see' math in some of the things they were doing. We got back home but I could have just stayed driving so I could watch everything passing by like this again, forever.

Mushroom had a game. Her favorite game was submarine. She would dip down, diving, and mentally give off a sonic ping just like a submarine and then visually see the brilliant light waves scatter off. All different sounds had a light and a color. Her thing was "No more sleepin on the job." She wanted to be awake. She didn't want to hide. But I couldn't stay like this forever. I think in some sense, Mushroom had been like some sort of soul retrieval because there was such a great sense that this was some part of me that was almost to die ... I wonder sometimes, if she isn't that part of me I felt like I was missing a whole half of myself as a young teen.

I was always dominantly masculine and it was aparent to me even with these personalities. I had a secret understanding of things only whispered. I had a masculine dominance and a feminine aspect who needed some catching up to do. I had other things there that never said a word, but could be felt. At present time today, now, I've become very evenly androgynous. So something was going right somewhere if I wasn't sure of what was going on then. It was all part of the re-alignments.

The thing that was most born to Mushroom was remembering Ally Sheedy playing the Goth girl in Breakfast Club. It was like that was her earliest memory or something. I'm not sure, it's like Mushroom had her very own thinking in things mysterious to myself. Still, I was very aware. I knew what was going on. I never had any sort of black out with no memory where personalities are supposed to take over when your a schizophrenic. Oh boy, oh I was defiantly skitz now. I had my very own RiderMae before Farscape even came out with that episode - Losing Time.

God I love those people. I felt so insane, so lost. I just new I was going to get caught and thrown into the loony bin. One thing that made me feel a little sane, a little like everything was going to be okay, I wasn't actually alone was Farscape. They had me ditto every single time.


During this time I started having orgasmic experiences. It wasn't anything sexual like lust. I wasn't having sex. My husband was just kind of being quiet, letting me be alone to my madness. My friends at work were doing the same. My boss just let me work. Nobody tried to humor me and left me alone.

I could be just sitting watching regular Tv or making orders to get out at work and have a complete orgasm for no reason. I had all sorts of different kinds and types. I could feel this great energy surrounding me like Moya's starburst, like Zhaan in a photogasm with the solar flares or like Sam Beckette in a quantum leap. It was electrovital, I was electrified. I was in a constant of awe and pleasure. It was euphoric.

At times I could feel the voices touch me with a finger while I was sitting at home. Like how SpiritMan put his fingers in my head. Only this finger would start at the top of my head and travel through my body all the way down to my crotch. I would feel it as orgasmic, going from the top of my head all the way down with the finger. And then it would come all the way back up to the top of my head. I would have these explosive orgasms of ecstasy that would come from my stomach all the way up into my chest and tingle through my arms up to the top of my head. Indeed, kind of like an instrument with strings, like a guitar. This, from someone who could never reach an orgasm. Before I met my husband, I didn't even know what it was like to have one in intercourse.

I became so sensitive different sounds the voices would make could send me into one and these sensations of pleasure would just wash through me like waves of the ocean and tingle through my whole body. That's one thing I wish I could have kept from that time. This is why I wonder about charka's and khundilini because I wonder if my first charka had not been opened and this was khundilini.

There was something about the energy of this. At night when I would lay down to go to bed the voices would be to a corner of the room by the door and we started to go on about this wonderful energy. Mushroom was an innocent, it wouldn't have been right to get into some kind of sexual idea like lusts with even if this was just a virtual child-self-myself but there was still this orgasmic thing and she/I could energize myself like a battery drawing in the electricity and then zap it back out through my finger at one of the voices or another and give them the orgasmic. It was another game to play with like the sonic submarine. Like I say, well before that RiderMae episode on Farscape - which is just one of a billion the uncanny things I've noticed about everything, everywhere.

I learned something here though at the time that had to do something about sexual energy and ecstasy. With this game I learned, without any words but in the examples about passing energy. Now, in present time, today. When I do fantasize sexually I swap partners in the fantasizing. I'll fantasize as the male or the female first, then I'll trade it over to the other partner. I've made all kinds of discoveries here and different types of feeling in reaching climax. Excuse me while I get personal again but ... this works for me unbelievably. Especially since I believe fantasy and climax with male or female is a sort of strength. If it is always the male, it is a dominantly masculine aspect. So if I switch up and let my female aspect be the one 'on top' I get more feminine aspect. She becomes stronger, more secure, clearer - evening out that balance between masculine and feminine in the dual self. My male likes to dominate, my female likes to be dominated, mostly, bondage. But I think this fantasizing is far more constructive than anything I had ever known or heard about before my Mushroom. My fantasies had always included rape. I suppose because I was raped. But empowering my feminine in my fantasies makes anything like her being raped completely unnecessary. I have written stories about rape, but none of those were supposed to be 'entertaining', they were supposed to be upsetting - and it does kind of put me off. So even sexually I have come out with better growth from some of the things that were happening to me in my madness, even though there was so much I didn't like. Just, sexually, people sometimes wonder what my bag is. I'm not gay, perv, tranz, fetish or into pain - I like soft core domination/submission and bondage and I'm attracted to older, androgynous men. I'm also faithful to my husband.


And back to writing
I had already written about TangenTao in Hunted Species. He was part of this stuff. He was after my Mushroom started around somewhere but he didn't stay long. Something else happened. This is all in a confusion. I had different visualizations. We were doing all kinds of different things all at once. And then something went terribly wrong again.
I was writing a story online with the guidance and request of my voices. I was writing a Farscape fanfic with a creature that was invented. It was a manimal beast. The man-creature had the head of a poisonous snake is the best I can remember and it was a shapeshifter with a man inside of it. I had it wandering through Moya looking for someone to help him. It found Chiana first and leaped at her and bit her on the shoulder with its snake fangs. Then Crichton was wandering into the same hall and it leaped at him, bit him and began to rape him. Then the crew was out searching to kill this thing when it came to Zhaan. It leaped over a table and knocked Zhaan down with the man inside begging for help ... so Zhaan did her Muldas thing and killed it. As the creature died it formed into the shape of a young man who remained alive.
Then the voices I was hearing made me stop. A woman I'll call Screamer started having this huge fit in some distance. Then she came forward, screaming at me and very upset as I began to delete the story I had posted. She started demanding I delete everything I had ever written so this is how I started loosing the things I had written. And I began to write at my own bill board but after I had posted what I had to put down I would go back after it and delete it. I was starting to get really depressed with this. I was also getting scared again and worried. Screamer demanded and I tried to opese but there was no relenting with her. It got worse, and worse, and worse. Our subject became rape. Then the voices were telling me I was a thief and a slut. Suddenly, they hated everything I was doing and everything about me.
Then they were telling me not to be on the computer at all. I left the computer. Then they were telling me I couldn't watch tv. I stopped watching tv. Then they would tell me I had to wait for permission to move. I would sit in places like right in the middle of the kitchen floor for hours and hours, trying to ask in just the right way for permission to get up. Everything had turned into a nightmare. The personalities I had were still going. I still had Mulder and would be Mulder, waiting for permission to move out of this agony.
Then Screamer started to demand Mushroom was hers and that I give her back. She called Mushroom, Neesa. I protested. There was no way in hell. Mushroom was me but they weren't present for this. I could feel this Neesa as on my left side. Screamer would demand I not sleep on my left side as it would crush her Neesa. Then they were demanding I take Neesa off. I didn't know what they meant. They kept demanding I graph her off. So I grabbed at my left shoulder and began to 'peel' Neesa off of my left arm. I could physically feel as if I was drawing down the pepper spray sensation down my arm ... like I was actually peeling something off. Then I began to cry from down in the very depths of my guts. My husband said nothing. He just rolled over and started to hold me. I wasn't telling him yet that I was hearing things, that these voices were saying these things to me and just how scared I was.
Everything changed again into another era.


The last episode of Farscape I would get to see and truly enjoy with my voices and personalities was My Three Crichtons. I sat on the couch watching the episode and me and my sounds and personalities were going on at the same time about the process of birth. Ironically enough the "child" I integrated into the episode was this orb of light that wandered into the ship. Aeryn shot it over Crichtons head, it exploded out, enveloping him and three Crichton's popped out. A normal John, a caveman John and a irritating lizard John. I liked caveman John.

And then we moved on, in some kind of formulation of visualization, the voices and feelings ... I captured the creature that was the whole mess. The one that had gotten into me and Boejan had jumped out when SpiritMan tried to catch it. The creature I found was a black gargoyle, twiddling his fingers in front of his chest like TangenTao whom I had created into a fanfic interactive. I don't know what happened from there. This other personality "came up" and it was something like Sam Beckette with the Quantum Leap. He was autistic or something but my voices would have nothing to do with him. They were angry with me for what I had written ... either before or after the Farscape episode I can't remember. But, they had also asked me to write it and kept assuring me until the very end when Screamer came forth.

But it was with this one that all the personalities seemed to collapse. The voices were telling me something about the tapestry, about the personalities. It was almost like the way hypnotists talk their patience back or making a realization to me. And realization returned. I was myself, for the first time in, I don't know how long this was. It seemed like simply waking up from a dream or like when you focus back from day dreaming something and bring your attention back into the awareness of your surroundings. I realized, I was no longer any personalities ... but the voices were still there, in my awareness, my consciousness, my waking reality. I no longer felt thick or as in a dream state and there they still were in my clarity ... as plain as if someone were standing in front of me talking to me - only without a physical body. And the voices changed. They started to become a different people.

After that the Screamer and the others told me I couldn't see anymore Farscape. I missed the whole Look at the Princess shibang. I was mostly afraid that they said I couldn't watch it because now Chiana was going to show a scar on her shoulder in the episodes. Where the snake man bit her in the fanfic I deleted. I suppose this would be where it was a good thing they hadn't made the ep EatMe yet.

This is why I was quiet. I knew I had gone just completely insane and the wagon with the men in the pretty white coats were going to come and take me away just any ole time, Aunty Em.

Even though the personalities were gone I still had lingerings and I would 'be' Mulder sometimes. It was the only way I could withstand having to sit in a chair or be squat in the middle of the floor and wait for hours for this permission to move a muscle. For some reason Mulder started with agony. I had him doing Tai Chi for crying out loud. He had something to do about sexual repression. I couldn't ever 'perform' before. Before I met my husband, sex wasn't about me. And Mulder was such a tease in Xfiles. I think that's what Mulder's bag was. He was the carrier of my own torment with not being able to feel pleasure and being pleased. But he could find the pleasure in being agonized and teased by this unobtainable.

I was unbelievably vulnerable in this time - but I still had defenses. Then the new era of voices with Screamer decided to try to take all my defenses, strengths and empowerments away. They said I had stolen all of it.

Never Silence in My Hell