Mushroom was woken up, out of a tar pit like a tar baby. Like a tar rabbit in the old Briar Bear and Briar Rabbit story. Briar Rabbit was a pain in his ass, so he made a tar baby out of tar that looked just like a rabbit. Briar Rabbit embraced the creature and became stuck in the tar. Ole Briar Bear had him now and swore he was going to cook him or something. Briar Rabbit pleaded with him. Do anything to him at all he says, anything but throw him in the briar patch! So that's just what Briar Bear does. He throws Briar Rabbit in the briar patch, never the wiser that that was just where the rabbit wanted to be and settled down nice and cozy into his warren.

In this dark place Mushroom was waking through the tapping, tap-tap. Boejan working connections. Then she is awake in the dark. I am sitting in my living room and I can feel her as coming up to live in the right side of my head. She's blind. She can't exactly see. The way she see's is through my temple rather than my eye so she started to look at a single tiny dot of light in the room. She stared at it until she started to draw out more and more. She was an even stronger personality than Boejan had been.

She was a child. Her speech was kind of slurred. It was hard to talk. She was waking up. She played with her hands allot, making motions and movement, passing pistons, thinking with her hands. It is hard to describe her. I'd have to 'be' her to really explain because she had her very own things that communicated with her. Voices I don't have now. They were her own specialness.

I was very embarrassed. I tried to go to work and stuff without saying anything to anyone but Mushroom was as clear as the dawn. I couldn't try to pretend something wasn't happening. It was like I had become completely retarded. Some people have their vision quests up on mountains in private. I was in public all over the place.

Mushroom could see in most awesome ways. It was fantastic. I remember one time my husband took me with him to pay a bill at this store and as we drove along everything we were passing by just sped past in these echoes like a very jittery vision going twice and three times of itself. Then we got there and I walked in everything was in slow motion and dragging behind itself. I could hear the whispers of the people around me like they were colors. I could 'see' math in some of the things they were doing. We got back home but I could have just stayed driving so I could watch everything passing by like this again, forever.

Mushroom had a game. Her favorite game was submarine. She would dip down, diving, and mentally give off a sonic ping just like a submarine and then visually see the brilliant light waves scatter off. All different sounds had a light and a color. Her thing was "No more sleepin on the job." She wanted to be awake. She didn't want to hide. But I couldn't stay like this forever. I think in some sense, Mushroom had been like some sort of soul retrieval because there was such a great sense that this was some part of me that was almost to die ... I wonder sometimes, if she isn't that part of me I felt like I was missing a whole half of myself as a young teen.

I was always dominantly masculine and it was aparent to me even with these personalities. I had a secret understanding of things only whispered. I had a masculine dominance and a feminine aspect who needed some catching up to do. I had other things there that never said a word, but could be felt. At present time today, now, I've become very evenly androgynous. So something was going right somewhere if I wasn't sure of what was going on then. It was all part of the re-alignments.

The thing that was most born to Mushroom was remembering Ally Sheedy playing the Goth girl in Breakfast Club. It was like that was her earliest memory or something. I'm not sure, it's like Mushroom had her very own thinking in things mysterious to myself. Still, I was very aware. I knew what was going on. I never had any sort of black out with no memory where personalities are supposed to take over when your a schizophrenic. Oh boy, oh I was defiantly skitz now. I had my very own RiderMae before Farscape even came out with that episode - Losing Time.

God I love those people. I felt so insane, so lost. I just new I was going to get caught and thrown into the loony bin. One thing that made me feel a little sane, a little like everything was going to be okay, I wasn't actually alone was Farscape. They had me ditto every single time.

I could be just sitting watching regular Tv or making orders to get out at work and have a complete orgasm for no reason. I had all sorts of different kinds and types. I could feel this great energy surrounding me like Moya's starburst, like Zhaan in a photogasm with the solar flares or like Sam Beckette in a quantum leap. It was electrovital, I was electrified. I was in a constant of awe and pleasure. It was euphoric.

At times I could feel the voices touch me with a finger while I was sitting at home. Like how SpiritMan put his fingers in my head. Only this finger would start at the top of my head and travel through my body all the way down to my crotch. I would feel it as orgasmic, going from the top of my head all the way down with the finger. And then it would come all the way back up to the top of my head. I would have these explosive orgasms of ecstasy that would come from my stomach all the way up into my chest and tingle through my arms up to the top of my head. Indeed, kind of like an instrument with strings, like a guitar. This, from someone who could never reach an orgasm. Before I met my husband, I didn't even know what it was like to have one in intercourse.

I became so sensitive different sounds the voices would make could send me into one and these sensations of pleasure would just wash through me like waves of the ocean and tingle through my whole body. That's one thing I wish I could have kept from that time. This is why I wonder about charka's and khundilini because I wonder if my first charka had not been opened and this was khundilini.

There was something about the energy of this. At night when I would lay down to go to bed the voices would be to a corner of the room by the door and we started to go on about this wonderful energy. Mushroom was an innocent, it wouldn't have been right to get into some kind of sexual idea like lusts with even if this was just a virtual child-self-myself but there was still this orgasmic thing and she/I could energize myself like a battery drawing in the electricity and then zap it back out through my finger at one of the voices or another and give them the orgasmic. It was another game to play with like the sonic submarine. Like I say, well before that RiderMae episode on Farscape - which is just one of a billion the uncanny things I've noticed about everything, everywhere.

I learned something here though at the time that had to do something about sexual energy and ecstasy. With this game I learned, without any words but in the examples about passing energy. Now, in present time, today. When I do fantasize sexually I swap partners in the fantasizing. I'll fantasize as the male or the female first, then I'll trade it over to the other partner. I've made all kinds of discoveries here and different types of feeling in reaching climax. Excuse me while I get personal again but ... this works for me unbelievably. Especially since I believe fantasy and climax with male or female is a sort of strength. If it is always the male, it is a dominantly masculine aspect. So if I switch up and let my female aspect be the one 'on top' I get more feminine aspect. She becomes stronger, more secure, clearer - evening out that balance between masculine and feminine in the dual self. My male likes to dominate, my female likes to be dominated, mostly, bondage. But I think this fantasizing is far more constructive than anything I had ever known or heard about before my Mushroom. My fantasies had always included rape. I suppose because I was raped. But empowering my feminine in my fantasies makes anything like her being raped completely unnecessary. I have written stories about rape, but none of those were supposed to be 'entertaining', they were supposed to be upsetting - and it does kind of put me off. So even sexually I have come out with better growth from some of the things that were happening to me in my madness, even though there was so much I didn't like. Just, sexually, people sometimes wonder what my bag is. I'm not gay, perv, tranz, fetish or into pain - I like soft core domination/submission and bondage and I'm attracted to older, androgynous men. I'm also faithful to my husband.