A Spiritual Madness
A Spiritual Madness
Links in Fanfic
Links to Other Stories
The Dark Night of My Soul
A Spiritual Madness
Altered States
Never Silence in My Hell
A Quiet Path
The Great Gathering
Dare to Breath
Spider Keeper and Praying Mantis
Do the Mapths
Respect, Trust, Sacred Space

I'm confused as to what really happened first where. My husband had to go on a trip for a week for his job and that's when things really blew out of proportion. But something was happening even before then.

I was still having dreams of being awake but asleep. In them the knocking, feet running and rustling all along the floors was still happening. My astral cat was still coming around occasionally to sleep on me. But now in my new house I could hear even more things going on and when I would try to just go back to sleep I would start to have out of body experiences. Included into the usual noises I always heard like this someone was in the kitchen constantly cracking ice over and over and the radio beside the bed would be going making wierd noises and static but not be on when I woke up.

At first I thought there was a mouse in my bed room because I can be that sensitive even when I'm asleep. But then I had the distinct notion there was someone in the kitchen cracking the ice.

In one out of body experience I floated into the kitchen to catch them doing it but having experiences like this always scared the snot out of me. I would run back to my room and try to get my husband to wake up to wake me up or try to grab my own toe and make me get up or try to lay back down in my own body. I was afraid of being ambushed like my first true had in his astral travel experience I had once dreamed of while it was occurring.

In some of them I would walk through my house and going into the living room it would get darker and darker and colder and colder, like ice, like walking through black ice. The more pleasant experience I've had with OBE is one time I flew out one of my windows into the back yard and met a stag with an awesome branch of antlers, standing in my back yard and staring back at me.

I started to try to create an RPG online, a role playing game of Farscape. It was going well and gathering a small crew that liked the free style form I was making of it. No dice roll, just interaction for the sake of it as favorite or made up characters. This one RPGer was awesome. He had been playing for years and was really a master of it just having some fun. The way he interacted just blew my mind.

I was still trying to RPG even after I had already broken my tapestry and was experiencing a very strange sensation. Something was going wrong with my trying to RPG.


The Tapestry

There is a tapestry between, betweens. It is that thin layer from conscious and subconscious. It's a filter. Like if you have an open window, it is the window screen. Even the very essence of dreaming at night is only a tapestry with a great wholeness beyond it.

A rip in the tapestry is like an eye. It's like having an open window without the screen and anything can come flying in. Without the tapestry all senses and sensations of the many layers of realities can happen, dreaming or awake.


Something in the back of my mind was telling me something and it was something that was starting even before my husband left for a week on business. It was starting to come forward.

Everyone has that little voice in the back of their head that tells them something only mine was very strong and more forward from the back of my head. I knew when my husband was to leave something was going to happen. It did that first night I was home alone.

The first thing I can really remember was sitting at the computer and then I felt like something was in the kitchen standing in the door way to the computer room. I became scared out of my twit and started trying to find things to calm myself down for the better part of an hour because I was home by myself and it just wasn't going away. It stayed right there in the doorway and wouldn't leave.

This womans voice came jumping up. She jumped up to my left by me and above my head, about a yard away and started telling me to pray about good things, name all the good things I could possibly think of and even write them down since I was too terrified to leave my chair. The very last thing I could think of was Xena and the one's I could hear seemed to shift and change their pitch. I no longer felt so terrified but I still couldn't bring myself to move.

I hadn't been so frightened since my childhood when I was about nine and had a dream I got up to walk to my parents room after I had a bad dream. When I got to my bedroom door something was swinging down across my door like a long arm that wouldn't let me pass. When I looked into the living room there were glowing little dust balls streaming all across the floor and the walls had grown and yawned about ten feet high. I found myself very suddenly sitting up in my bed, not even in a blink. I thought I never got up and walked to my door or I couldn't remember a moment between doing so and getting back to bed. I lost the time between what is dreaming and what is awake. I was so scared then I couldn't even call out to my parents. My voice was barely above a whisper.

Another voice, a mans voice I'll call SpiritMan was telling me how the thing by my door was going to get into me and then I felt this something jump into my head. The dark thing by my door was gone but now I was sitting in my chair in a state of shock with this thing in my head. SpiritMan then stuck his fingers into the side of my head and I could feel his hand moving through my head trying to catch this thing.. Then he was telling me they were going to get it out of me and chase it out. There was chanting around but I couldn't make any sense of it. I remember I could hear the terminator 2 movie playing in on the tv in the living room as I felt this hand move into my head but I couldn't find any other source for the chanting and these people I could not see talking to me. Then SpiritMan chased the thing down and I could feel this moving down my spine like how you swallow a pill and it gets stuck in your throat only in the back of my neck and very fast and painless.

Then they were saying they couldn't chase after it. It was stuck in my chest and I was going to have to get them out through my chest.

The only thing I can remember from there was I was still on the computer and began writing in a little box or window when they tried to get the thing out of my chest. There was some kind of movement and they said they were going to put them out into the box I was typing into.

Then I felt the thing jump out of my chest and get into the box, the window I was writing in. I found myself writing this young man in a confused state. He had been pushed out of my chest from a box into a box and I started typing his talking to the voices I was hearing to put him the hell back in and what the hell was he awake like this for.

The Era of Boejan
I'll call him Boejan which is the closest I can remember to what his name was. Boejan had no clothes, he had no thought of anything like clothes or personality really so there was some time taken to let him think of what kind of clothes he would wear. He was a young man who lived in my chest in a box and inside the box were connection systems like allot of boards for the old timey operators. He was a connector as he explained so he needed to be put back where he was to begin with because he was the operator. By now it was all night long though and trying to would have to wait because now I had to go to work. I looked up to get ready for work and that was when I realized I was Boejan.

I was still very aware, I didn't black out, my memory was intact, but I felt as if I were this young man who had gotten pushed out of place. I remember I had to go to work like this and it was embarrasing and I felt really wierd and humiliated being this guy in a female body. I tried to just go quietly through my day without talking to anyone but I did tell my closest friend at this job I didn't feel right. Something was very wrong with me. I still felt like Boejan, I was Boejan and these voices, chants, music and SpiritMan were still talking to me. I can't remember what happened from there or what transpired next exactly. I think the folks at work let me go home early. I was working as a cook at a burger joint and I was fairly close to some of the people working there.

We, me and my voices began  to work out getting Boejan back into my chest and into his box. I've lost the sense of time there about where I was, at work or at home on the computer again. Allot of my memory of these things are all jumbled up so I will have to end this here and start another new line.

Boejan couldn't get back into place, he was out and he was me or I was being Boejan. I was this guy in this womans body and freaking out. He said 'man' allot. He was about 18. I was in a sensation like everything around me had become thicker and more surreal. I was still aware of myself, I can remember. I didn't do anything like black out and not remember having a personality. I felt like everything was thicker than 'reality' normaly feels like on average, normal, sane. And I felt kind of electrical, very subtle, but like static cling feels like, only physically from the inside. I was walking through a very thin sense of the way dreams are at night. The air seemed more tangible than it really is.


While I was still trying to RPG I was seeing everything in a very different way, something had come over me. I finally had to stop because I strayed off with these other things and then I began to use my bill board for these maths and personalities.
I remember I was trying to RPG or write or something with poor dear Zhaan from Farscape. She was Delvian mad and locked up into a cage. I wrote about her raging in the cage with cans of paint that washed out into expressing a unity with Moya. I really wish I could have kept that post. I loved Zhaans paint. Then I strayed away to some other bill board and posted this thing about the ocean where a seal was in the waters trying to reach the shore by some light house. They came ashore as Chiana standing along some sand dunes holding a small silver rod but unable to get further inland because of sand sharks. I wish I could have kept that writing too.
I wrote some things about Boejan and his box ... and then I started to write with another personality that came out of trying to get Boejan back where he belonged. I'll call her Mushroom because this is what she was being called.


Boejan couldn't get back into his box back into my chest, somehow we were working out how he could. I was writing, I was going to work. I can't remember everything.

I have a theory Mushroom was something like a soul retrieval. She was found in a black pit like a tar baby in a coma. There was this thing about tapping and it was the tapping that was needed to wake up the Mushroom. After tapping and going on and Boejan doing his operator things Mushroom woke up, was dragged out of this black tar and started tapping back. She could not see, hear or speak at first.

While this is going on I can hear allot of music around me and different people telling me things, related to what I was doing. I verbally talked with them until they finally made me realize I didn't have to speak vocally, I could talk in my head so I started doing that.

By the time we were waking up the Mushroom I was believing the voices and their messages had gotten into the television and through the television they were still talking to me. I mean, from the television the voices I could hear were coming from there. I was seeing secret messages in everything and sometimes I would stand in front of the television, trying to do these things about what was going on. There were so many things going on all at once and with Mushroom coming up there was a change in everything so I want to try to remember some of the things I was doing before I start about Mushroom.

The writing I was doing online had changed. Instead of writing down the visualizations and sensations I was having I started in on this code. I was writing words and scentences back to front or backwards and forwards collapsed in on itself. I can't do it now, the state I was in was like a higher form of consciousness. It would look something like this: tlihomkengs = "something like this" and I would read 'messages' out of it. Allot of it was about looking for something or some body. "Do the math/map"

Someone told me what it means to write backwards and forwards but they mentioned it while I was doing it and I don't know where that was now so I can find out more about it. What I was doing was like math with words, like polynomials. I saw something somewhere one time where these math guys were doing comparables like good > evil < god > devil < brain fart. But I didn't think to ask them what that is because it looks familiar.

The most significant part of it I remember was meeting this fellow named Eli Khimlar ... mmm, you think talking to the Tv is crazy. I do too.


I don't really know what to think about aliens. They're possible and for the most part I think the grey ones are around somewhere but listening to all the people, they get buried into so much crud it's unreal. It's like trying to unravel the origin and meaning of the Gaelic lines writing.

Well, during this time I was having this spiritual madness I was writing online allot of things. I was making words all jumbled together and blended into each other backwards and forwards. It was like - graphing polynomials. It was like divination or channeling.

I was working on these words I can't remember now for some hours. They had been 'given' to me to work on to the end result and in it I was also asking questions and getting answers from this one I was made aware of. This is like a dream thing only I was awake, I was typing into this window somewhere. What came up to me was a very distinct grey alien and I kind of got these ideas with him about how they can communicate and observe, even through the computer. He was an awesome fellow to me. I never imagined such a sort of being. He was bright and had a great sense of humor. He reminded me so much of an elf but the distinction was grey alien, highly evolved.

We went on about communications and connections when I came to the end of my formulation. I was trying to mix it further from there but then he goes "That's it, thank you for trying" and the very instant after that my whole computer shut down. I just stared at the black screen for a bit, wondering what I had done, perhaps if I had failed in some way, to get to the appropriate end. I just had the strangest feeling the whole thing was an observation of what I was doing because they pay attention ...

I leave it open from there, I don't know what to think myself. I'm not the biggest alien buff and I was in a very strange state in that time - but if I ever met aliens and there on the ship was this one named after the end result I had gotten. I think we both might smile? Who knows.

The end of my configuration thingy left me just to one conclusion.
A grey alien named Eli Khimlar, is an awesomely delightful encounter. Whatever the heck that was.

It's not easy to remember how I was doing it exactly because of the state I was in. It was easy in that state but it was like a much higher consciousness. Allot of that time was in the beginning of it and there was allot about a re-alignment of my mind. I had too many confusions and things that weren't connecting together so I had to be re-organized and boy that was like an overhaul. I was literally seeing math in making orders and dropping fries at this burger joint I was a cook at. When I was little that was how I could understand math, I made stories out of the numbers and gave them points along their shapes.

While I was doing these letters and reforming the words I was given with Eli, I could hear a man talking to me. I can remember a number of impressions with that particular time.

There's this book "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" where Ford Perfect and Author end up on this ship that didn't have a helm. The only way the ship was driving was in formulations of everything they were doing from eating at the dinner table and such. With these words I was breaking down it was like doing that, heading for the accurate destination - because when my writing everything down like this finally ended I could at last see how I could make anything look or sound like anything and take any meaning I wanted out of it.
So it's like without the guidance on the other end, this is how things break down into a tapestry layer of well, anything is possible. It's like how when you have a really awesome, maybe lucid dream and wake up and that sense of reality and being so positive this was a real thing, goes through that layer and gets lost on the tapestry. Then turns into 'I was only dreaming after all'.

I didn't realize this could apply to the voices too till just recently really. I challenged them all as bogus, they started making even less sense than ever. And now I realize - the passage through the tapestry. This is how divination works? And without some important message on the other end I'll be getting something like: "You're sausage buisquits"

One thing Eli came up with me as another example was Santa Clause. He's a relatively easy myth with flying reindeer and getting toys out in one night over the worlds. How could that be possible without a fourth demension or space ships and teleportals? Time is only linear and when there isn't the linear there's a whole other map. Thinking in terms of time, distance and travel - what if Santa Clause could actually sit into his sled and not go anywhere at all, and still be delivering the toys ... which is something stars try to explain to me too. I think it must be like a StarTrek Next Gen I saw where Picard faced a ship that was only half of itself because it was in many places all at once ... it doesn't seem quiet right but close.

I made up stories where I call it Realm Walking, a path opens and you're across the land before you have even barely made a few slow motion steps forward. It's just a difficult concept, like one of those Zen things. I also think this is something people could do, maybe shamans, with their spirits and minds, maybe even their bodies if things were incredible enough to play with those laws of physics. Then it drifts off around to Pseidon project, dimensional portal warps ... I think they're possible.

At any rate it boiled around to the aliens could easily observe the computer and even interact with cases or look for specific anomalies and reach communication. I was being an anomaly even though I wasn't a 'study'. Then he gave me a wild notion of how he didn't really need the computer at all, it was just another tool. Just, a very useful one.

I had every intentions of saving that whole thing and keeping it to myself even though the voices had me deleting everything I was doing right behind myself but the puter died. Talk about ironic ... and that made it the most difficult of all to try to think later that was just "a dream after all" ... makes you think about the next time you consider some puter gremlins are at work  

He also gave me a large impression about the theory the elves were grey aliens but it was all about alignments of energy. Some energies align perfectly but could actually be two completely different patterns. He didn't exactly confirm or deny anything about integrating into the human dna. He got a really good chuckle out of me deciding he must be alien-elf hybrid but then we leaned off to some other direction.

That's all I can really remember about the whole of the thing.


Back to Boejan
Allot of what I was going through I had visualizations with this. I wasn't having visions where I was seeing things. I was, but with my imagination eye. I could see with my inner visualization. Like - can you look just to the left of your computer now, close your eyes and picture what you had just seen? Some colors left too? Neat huh. Damn, try dreaming like that. But this is Mushroom's stuff, I'll have to come back to delving on visualizations.

Boejan's stuff was operator, Ops - get me a connection to ...

I was standing in front of my television with all the lights off. Another personality came up and another. I was 'becoming' different people. Boejan lived in my chest. Mushroom came out of my right temple and into my right side. There were these others but they came and went. If you hadn't guessed, I had some actors as their characters too: John Crichton, Chiana, Aeryn, D'Argo, Fox Mulder, Lou from the Young Rider's series and Sam and Al from Quantem Leap.

Chiana resided at the base of my neck and wandered from my right shoulder to my left shoulder but was sneaking around and wouldn't "come out". John would come up and kind of be almost above my head. Aeryn would only be while I was diligently scrubbing at the grill I cooked the meat at work where I did allot of trying to not hear the voices near the end. In my visualizations while I was scrubbing she was the "Don't talk to me" one while John got into poking matches with Mulder and a very pissed off Chiana.

Mulder was while I was standing here in front of the television. The place I had Mulder was one of agony and ecstacy. He had come up. I felt very thick and like I had been dipped into a bat of pepper spray. I felt like the way frying bacon sounds. When I moved it was surreally fantastic ... like when you move through water only with this pepper feeling. I started doing Tai Chi and there was something I was being told about the void behind me. Then I rose, so I looked down. I was still the same height I ever was, but I felt like I was very thin and tall, even taller than the cieling. Later I learned there's bushmen in Africa who get this same sensation.

Then someone came, a new voice or sound or music and I started doing different positions in emulation of animals and for as long as I was in the position, I was the being of that animal. They were showing me how. I can't remember all the ones I did but one of them was the praying mantis, another was the rattle snake.

Some of this was at home and some of it was at work. It never stopped, I never got any rest. When I slept I was having dreams like it. I can remember how I would work the fries or get out the orders and I could see how math was working in everything I was doing. I could see math if not calculate. I wasn't using numbers to calculate. The things I was hearing made it all apart of a re-alignment. Aparently, my mind was a confusion so part of the connections with Ops was to re-align my whole brain thing, my whole personality thing.

It was kind of like ... being a big filing cabinet and someone is shuffling through every damn folder in there, taking them out and re-arranging the whole order that they were in. Just to find this thing that jumped into me ... which was found at one point, but that is something after the Mushroom.

There is an order to the chaos, I'm afraid all I have for now is bits and pieces but I am trying to make some sense of some of it and organize what went on at least in eras. So later if I remember something, I can just jot it down on a new page as which era it belonged to instead of try to muddle it into these pages I've already made. After we started with Mushroom, things started to go very wrong again.


Spider Head
I was enjoying these things. I was not afraid, I was all part of what was going on and aware. I could still function at work and talk to people normally though I would think some really crazy things and I could hear people at work carrying on conversations that probably weren't actually happening.

I was sitting at my puter when SpiritMan decided to put a spider in my head. He put the spider into the right side of my head and it was as large as from my temple to the back of my head and its legs were sticking out, I felt. He told me this was Iktomi and for a long time I was being with Iktomi and the sense was darker and deeper. I remember next I was at work being very playful with my voices and making them laugh but all was dark. Then SpiritMan asked me if I wanted to keep Iktomi and I told him no, to please take the spider out of my head and he did. Everything got light again. It was like experiencing someone or thing not really negative in some evil sense but it wasn't all that great. I didn't like the place it was in.

Then something else happened to the right side of my head at my temple. There was a shaft of light going from my temple to the back of my head. A brilliant shaft, like when Picard was Locutus and had that thing on his eye. Like a tiny dot of light in the dark. Like a shaft and Mushroom came out from here and at first was living on the right side of my body and then we moved her over to the left side of my body.

I started to experience being Mushroom who changed names. After she was woken up and then "came out" she was the seeing one where Boejan was the hearing one. The operator. and then the Ops, the optical. We went into this whole thing about the five senses having five personalities and the very essance of each and then what all five senses are like in unity in its own essance and ecstacy. I can't explain that one but I could understand at this time how people who use drugs to trip out can see sounds and hear tastes. The largest compliment I can really give to it is if you put Zhaan and Chiana together as one being off Farscape and then starbursted them. Taste. Touch. Sound. Smell. Vision. All spiritualy unity. I was like ... Khundilini. Starburst. Unity. Like being electrovital.

My ecstacy was not in any way or form a sexual lust. It was just there and euphoric. I was having epiphanies about every little thing. I met a deva in a plant on a table in a Chinese restraunt while I was eating brocoli with chopsticks.

Irony follows me everywhere.

Altered States