I moved in with him. I really love this guy even though some of this process was just - crazy. I still wasn't really over my first true and it was hard in my senses of loyalty, to now love two men. I was having this transition ... all over the place. I moved to a new town, into his life with his niece, mother and sister and her son. Then, my parents moved back to my grampa's. They started talking about finding another house but I asked them to just stay there. My mother was getting much worse and she needed help. I couldn't think of her being home alone. There was so much going all over the place, I'll try to put it down in some way that makes sense. I loose the way of sequence of events, so I may end up going back and forth here. I get a headache trying to think of the dates and time but this was a very short time, maybe two years at most.

When I moved in with my husband his house was crazy. I thought I could sense things and dream things but this was ridiculous. The family had lived in a cycle of abuse. The father was physically abusive. He used to beat the living hell out of my husband and his mother when he was a child. They all still lived in that cycle. The only thing that was missing was the abuser. They would have huge arguments. I came home on night to them and they were in the middle of such a big blow out I took my to be husband to my parents house to stay the night. That ended the arguments ever getting that big.

When I tried to sleep over the first couple of nights at his home I stayed in his mothers room but the dreams I was having in there chased me right out of there to my hubby's bed. My hubby's room was only a little better. I started to have the paralysis again. I could hear knocking and rustling and running foot steps. They were so bad I could hear them bitching and walking around in my sleep when everyone was quiet and gone to bed. I really had to learn a bit about cleansing houses and making order out of chaos with this house but it happened and things calmed down.

I had a dream one night I was walking through a forest with this woman. I came to a dune of sand where I saw a sloth with its claws sticking out. I tried to catch the sloth and pull it out but it slipped deeper inside and couldn't be found.

I got a phone call. My mother had a kidney removed. They had done an exploratory surgery and they found cancer hiding behind a cyst on her kidney. They went ahead and removed it. Over the next year my mother was faced with this cancer. It had appeared as a shadow on her chest. I had changed jobs and I was working in a new place that was just killing me. They were vicious people, all white in an all white town, assuming all kinds of crazy shit about me. They thought everything from I was a pagan to a lesbian. I never felt more solitude in my life than here.

I remember me and my dad going with my mother to her first radiation treatment. I thought I was going to be okay with this. They drew on her chest with a purple ink. When she came out there was a strange feeling. I could feel the energy of the radiation treatment to her chest. I went to work the next day still believing I could keep going but I freaked, right in the middle of work. I started going around poking everyone going "bzzz! bzzz! shockers!" and after about four hours with this hyper-tension I told the boss I needed to go home. All they did was nod and I punched out and went home.

I was already having some kind of spiritual awakening in this time but I'd call it the mini one. I was having strange sensations like altered states. I would walk home sometimes and when I did I could feel a thing like the whole world and sky open up around me like dropping a canvas. I'd get this great sense of being a tiny thing in this vastness, and being comfortable there. It was a feeling like I was being expanded or my awareness was being expanded. I was having dreams on top of dreams that were vivid. Many had guides in them. Many were about the great gatherings. The first dream I had of these gatherings being the one of the girl and her horses.

I was meeting many guides but sometimes in my dreams I would try to hide from them as a feral child. I would crawl up under cars and tables or run or try to look invisible like a chameleon and not come out for them. Among the many I was meeting I had several primary guides who came to my dreams allot. One was a shapeshifter woman. Another was a blond woman of the trees. One was a shaman with branches or antlers on the sides of his head and another was two aunts who said they were my aunts from my Cherokee side from before me. They all came and taught me different things. Only one I had already known for a very long time, the blond woman of the trees. I started to dream of her as far back as high school. At another time though I'll tell of all these dreams I had that were the most significant, probably on the bboard at the dream journey.

They got rid of the cancer in my mothers chest. The shadow was gone. But another one showed up in the back of my mothers neck and it was going to require another surgery. My father started trying to convert to Catholic. The nuns were visiting allot. He played the hail mary allot from a tape. I had some dreams of the prayers for my mother coming in and out to and from the house. Most of the time they looked like kites. Other times they were like angels. There was a gold lion here and St. Micheal, my fathers closest patron.

My mother was in allot of pain. She lost allot of weight. They put her on morphine. Sometimes she would sit on the edge of the bed and look down at her feet and just swirl them around, looking like she was just a little girl. When she had the surgery on her neck in houston I had problems with the people at work. I had gone up to houston and had to call them and let them know I would miss work for another day so my brother would have a ride. The manager was not understanding. I explained to the manager that this was a family emergency. They already knew my mother was very ill with cancer when the manager asks me "Is your mother dead?"

It was such a cold thing to say. I was so shocked at first I drew a total blank. I think she is fortunate this had been over the phone. I can be scary, even to a big grown man. I'm greatful she wasn't there because in a blank I feel absolutely nothing. I'm nothing but reaction. I could have hit her and this is a side to myself that scares even me. It's useful when there's an accident or a fight is about to ensue and someone needs help - NOT useful when people piss me off so bad the light switch has clicked. There is a rattle snake inside of me. Despite her I left, did what I had to do. I came back and I put in my two week notice. I don't know why I bothered with it, I should have just left and be done with them. I went back to my old job before them where I knew they would be understanding and not give me any shit about having to leave for my mother ... three months after that manager asks me this. My mother died.

I was reading a book at the time. I don't know why, it did seem to help. I was reading Amy Tan: The Hundred Secret Senses. I finished the last line while I was sitting on a break at work. I closed the book and the phone rang. It was my husband who told me she was gone. I went into the back into the managers office, looking for the strength to hang on to myself until he could come get me.