A Spiritual Madness
The Dark Night of My Soul
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The Dark Night of My Soul
A Spiritual Madness
Altered States
Never Silence in My Hell
A Quiet Path
The Great Gathering
Dare to Breath
Spider Keeper and Praying Mantis
Do the Mapths
Respect, Trust, Sacred Space

While I was working one day I met the man who was to become my husband. I was lonely. I remembered meeting him before through a friend. I noticed this man who was a friend of his so I asked about him and asked if he would bring him sometime so I could meet him. Just to check him out. We hit straight off. He wasn't anything like anybody else. I wanted to be sure of that and not try to meet my first true in another body.

I moved in with him. I really love this guy even though some of this process was just - crazy. I still wasn't really over my first true and it was hard in my senses of loyalty, to now love two men. I was having this transition ... all over the place. I moved to a new town, into his life with his niece, mother and sister and her son. Then, my parents moved back to my grampa's. They started talking about finding another house but I asked them to just stay there. My mother was getting much worse and she needed help. I couldn't think of her being home alone. There was so much going all over the place, I'll try to put it down in some way that makes sense. I loose the way of sequence of events, so I may end up going back and forth here. I get a headache trying to think of the dates and time but this was a very short time, maybe two years at most.

When I moved in with my husband his house was crazy. I thought I could sense things and dream things but this was ridiculous. The family had lived in a cycle of abuse. The father was physically abusive. He used to beat the living hell out of my husband and his mother when he was a child. They all still lived in that cycle. The only thing that was missing was the abuser. They would have huge arguments. I came home on night to them and they were in the middle of such a big blow out I took my to be husband to my parents house to stay the night. That ended the arguments ever getting that big.

When I tried to sleep over the first couple of nights at his home I stayed in his mothers room but the dreams I was having in there chased me right out of there to my hubby's bed. My hubby's room was only a little better. I started to have the paralysis again. I could hear knocking and rustling and running foot steps. They were so bad I could hear them bitching and walking around in my sleep when everyone was quiet and gone to bed. I really had to learn a bit about cleansing houses and making order out of chaos with this house but it happened and things calmed down.

I had a dream one night I was walking through a forest with this woman. I came to a dune of sand where I saw a sloth with its claws sticking out. I tried to catch the sloth and pull it out but it slipped deeper inside and couldn't be found.

I got a phone call. My mother had a kidney removed. They had done an exploratory surgery and they found cancer hiding behind a cyst on her kidney. They went ahead and removed it. Over the next year my mother was faced with this cancer. It had appeared as a shadow on her chest. I had changed jobs and I was working in a new place that was just killing me. They were vicious people, all white in an all white town, assuming all kinds of crazy shit about me. They thought everything from I was a pagan to a lesbian. I never felt more solitude in my life than here.

I remember me and my dad going with my mother to her first radiation treatment. I thought I was going to be okay with this. They drew on her chest with a purple ink. When she came out there was a strange feeling. I could feel the energy of the radiation treatment to her chest. I went to work the next day still believing I could keep going but I freaked, right in the middle of work. I started going around poking everyone going "bzzz! bzzz! shockers!" and after about four hours with this hyper-tension I told the boss I needed to go home. All they did was nod and I punched out and went home.

I was already having some kind of spiritual awakening in this time but I'd call it the mini one. I was having strange sensations like altered states. I would walk home sometimes and when I did I could feel a thing like the whole world and sky open up around me like dropping a canvas. I'd get this great sense of being a tiny thing in this vastness, and being comfortable there. It was a feeling like I was being expanded or my awareness was being expanded. I was having dreams on top of dreams that were vivid. Many had guides in them. Many were about the great gatherings. The first dream I had of these gatherings being the one of the girl and her horses.

I was meeting many guides but sometimes in my dreams I would try to hide from them as a feral child. I would crawl up under cars and tables or run or try to look invisible like a chameleon and not come out for them. Among the many I was meeting I had several primary guides who came to my dreams allot. One was a shapeshifter woman. Another was a blond woman of the trees. One was a shaman with branches or antlers on the sides of his head and another was two aunts who said they were my aunts from my Cherokee side from before me. They all came and taught me different things. Only one I had already known for a very long time, the blond woman of the trees. I started to dream of her as far back as high school. At another time though I'll tell of all these dreams I had that were the most significant, probably on the bboard at the dream journey.

They got rid of the cancer in my mothers chest. The shadow was gone. But another one showed up in the back of my mothers neck and it was going to require another surgery. My father started trying to convert to Catholic. The nuns were visiting allot. He played the hail mary allot from a tape. I had some dreams of the prayers for my mother coming in and out to and from the house. Most of the time they looked like kites. Other times they were like angels. There was a gold lion here and St. Micheal, my fathers closest patron.

My mother was in allot of pain. She lost allot of weight. They put her on morphine. Sometimes she would sit on the edge of the bed and look down at her feet and just swirl them around, looking like she was just a little girl. When she had the surgery on her neck in houston I had problems with the people at work. I had gone up to houston and had to call them and let them know I would miss work for another day so my brother would have a ride. The manager was not understanding. I explained to the manager that this was a family emergency. They already knew my mother was very ill with cancer when the manager asks me "Is your mother dead?"

It was such a cold thing to say. I was so shocked at first I drew a total blank. I think she is fortunate this had been over the phone. I can be scary, even to a big grown man. I'm greatful she wasn't there because in a blank I feel absolutely nothing. I'm nothing but reaction. I could have hit her and this is a side to myself that scares even me. It's useful when there's an accident or a fight is about to ensue and someone needs help - NOT useful when people piss me off so bad the light switch has clicked. There is a rattle snake inside of me. Despite her I left, did what I had to do. I came back and I put in my two week notice. I don't know why I bothered with it, I should have just left and be done with them. I went back to my old job before them where I knew they would be understanding and not give me any shit about having to leave for my mother ... three months after that manager asks me this. My mother died.

I was reading a book at the time. I don't know why, it did seem to help. I was reading Amy Tan: The Hundred Secret Senses. I finished the last line while I was sitting on a break at work. I closed the book and the phone rang. It was my husband who told me she was gone. I went into the back into the managers office, looking for the strength to hang on to myself until he could come get me.


I went through my mothers funeral in a numbness, lost. She was wearing the cross I had bought for her to be buried with. We were given a chance to give my mother a private euolgy. My dad, brother and me. I don't know if I even still have what I said but it had been of the medicine wheel. My brothers was from the Goddess Gaia.

I started having dreams about my mother. At first she was coming to me as healthy and content with others around her. She had told me of how things are transitional. But things started to get worse as time drew on. She started coming my dreams and my fathers dreams insisting that she wasn't dead. In other dreams I had she would be trying to talk to me and her body would deteriorate.

My guides in my dreams were still coming to me, but this time I couldn't try to hide from them in the times I would. My mother was there now and knew just how to find me or get me out from under places. She couldn't understand what my problem was. I didn't know how to deal with this. I didn't know this could happen. I stopped meditating to sleep.

Not soon after a friend I was close to even long after high school passed away. He had died from aids. I went to his funeral and it was an open casket. He looked like paper mache. He looked like a Jew in a concentration camp. He had a Catholic funeral and I broke down there. I visited his mom for a while. It was comforting. She had lost a son and I had lost a mother. I stopped visiting her though because the others in the family kept expecting me to want something and I didn't want anything. Then not long afterwards my Papaw died from blood poisoning even after they had cut off his leg due to gan-grene.

I was beginning to sink into a dark shroud of depression. I already had the darkest hour of depression when I was fifteen or so and promised myself I would never go so down into that darkness. I knew where I was this time, and that I would have to struggle in the void there. I learned about raven as a totem and the Red Tailed Hawk began to visit my back yard as a totem to learn about.

In the time I learned something about myself, about walking between life and death. Some dreams had taught me that the void and the withdrawal was like dying and how I am close to both worlds, between life and death. To live means to wake up and in the dreaming with the void is like dying. It is something like the teaching in red birds medicine from the Cherokee. You can go too far in either realm. It's like the way I have walked between two worlds with Mother Earth and the material world. One foot is on the cement and one foot is in the grass.

I was doing rather well with the void. It especially helped to read and listen to the tapes of Caroline Myss and read of Wallace Black Elk and all the things that had happened to him. Then my father invited me along to an inter-tribal in New Mexico and I went with him, my grampa and my uncle. It would be the first time I ever joined the circle in a round dance at a very huge gathering. He was going to allot of things and traveling with my grampa. He knew his time wasn't going to be long. He was very displaced from himself, often he walked around like he wasn't even here already. He began to suffer problems that was in the process of being diagnosed as Lou Gherigs disease. I knew it meant it was his calling. I knew my dad would not stay long.

In this time my husband and I got married at my gramma's church. My mother in law found her own inner strength and new encouragement. She fell in love with this man and they got married and moved to a new home. Me and my hubby found us a new home not long after our honeymoon.

I loved my new house. The very first night in it I had a dream I was awake but asleep. It didn't scare me anymore like it used to. I was just kind of laying there waiting to just go back to sleep again with the rest of my body when I saw a heavenly light from the living room and heard wonderful music. It was like my new home was filled with welcome and serenity. I don't experience a thing like that often. I can bring order into chaos, I can be like a medium in a group of people and get them talking and such ... but I've had little experience with my own sense of peace. Peace to me is getting to sleep or write or stuff my face with something really good like a juicy steak.

I was always used to being the supporter and being able to help others with talking. I can't be the one to fall apart. I didn't realize before, just how much I was trying to hold myself together.

Through my friends online I met the Cougar Band of the Lumbee Nation. I invited my father to come with me to a gathering with them I was invited to. He came with me up there several times. It was almost like when we had gone to New Mexico together. I was getting to know my father better than I had. Though, if I could take back having to share the same sleeping space with him I would. Having to sleep in the same space as your dad not only feels gross but he was still wierd. In the New Mexico journey I finally talked those guys into letting me have my own hotel room cause sometimes he would just jump up and karate thin air for no reason. But we only had one tent between us for these trips. I'm sure that must have looked really funny, which is a gross and terrible thought but ... I also had this little bird in the back of my head telling me these were the last times with my dad. I wouldn't touch the man with a ten foot pole if he couldn't pull his own pants up by himself.

One night my dad had a severe asthma attack that induced a cardiac arrest. He fell into a coma and was put on life support. The family waited for a while but he wasn't going to return. My brother and I signed the papers to take him off the life support. We all stood and sat around his bed as the heart monitor slowed. We told him it was time to go see mom now and be with her. He passed quietly.

My dreams got better though they could still be bad, and about both of them. In one of the last ones I dreamed my dad and mom were on a drive off to a vacation. They were young again, looking like they did when they first met. I believed I was dealing with everything well, that I was fine. I knew they had gone like they were supposed to. They had always prepared me and my brother that someday they would die. They had always taught me about being a good warrior and to take care of things. Honor was important in my family. Just ... nobody teaches about what to do with yourself when it's all said and done and over. I missed my parents and the mixed blessing tormented me. I loved them, and we had had issues I never got to talk to them about. By the time I was old enough to try to, they were in too much pain. They were leaving me.

I take a long time to react emotionally to anything. If something upsetting has happened, I might not start to feel anything about it until three days later. I think that is how my spiritual madness started. My father dying was the final straw and sometime afterwards I cracked and had this "break down". The dams broke free and the tsunami came. My spiritual awakening.

A Spiritual Madness