He was a very sad person. He had allot of things happen to him before I even met him. While I was trying to find and get in touch with my spirituality, he was trying to forget. He had been raised in a house of demons, like Amittyville, and this was how he had come into his own spiritual awareness but he didn't want anything he knew or could do. He was able to astral travel or out of body. I had a dream of one time he did this and was ambushed by this one. He told me what happened after I told him the dream I had. It made him a little mad I didn't try to warn him of something, but I thought I was only dreaming.

He could remember past lives. He told me though it was all too soon. He had also already lost one love so he was trying to keep me at some distance and let me know we weren't going to stay together. Another reason was because I had sexual problems. I couldn't 'perform', I couldn't reach a climax. We did allot of good for each other though, allot of healing. He pushed my buttons, trying to make me get up more nerve and speak my mind and use my tenacity. He showed me something about house spirits. He had some in his house he had moved into. One day he asked me what I could feel in this room, so I pointed to a corner of the wall and he told me that was one of them there. What some of the ghost hunters with their pictures call a spot. He explained how they can be seen like a photo negative and do things like make your phone ring, open doors.

I thought I was cool with them when one day he asked me to put this towel up for him into a dark room. I couldn't find a light switch and I felt a great aprehension to the room not to go in. I could see the darkness moving and making faces at me just like the nightmares I would have as a child at nine. I decided to walk into the room anyway and put the towel on the bed as asked when I saw the dark in a small animal shape leap from the bed and literally growl at me. I yipped so loud I sounded like a mangled puppy and jumped about three feet. He came to see what was the matter with me but he knew what it was. I told him he'd just have to put it up himself cause I wasn't going back in there.

Near the end of our relationship I moved to houston. It was difficult but things were getting nearly impossible again at home. This time it was my mother, she was getting really hard on me. I lived in houston for just a few months but I got very dislocated there. I came back home. I was still calling my first true but we were over.

My mother was very glad to see me back home. She kept saying she didn't realize just how much I did do for her but it made me feel a little angry with everyone else. Nobody else was helping my mother? I put up with being my mothers punching bag but she stopped doing most of that when I came back from houston. I could see how my parents were starting to get really down. They needed support, I was old enough now to do that. I understood then they needed it while I was younger, too young to give the kind of support and healing my whole family needed. It seemed like we were calling an ambulance once or twice a month now for my dad with his severe asthma attacks and my mother was getting to were she couldn't do even more things that she used to could. It came to my realization then that I had the ability to bring some kind of restoration to the sacred hoop that was my family circle. I started to do that. I didn't think at the time that I still had things I wanted to talk about, because that would have been the only time we could have. I tried to a few times but the aproaches were always wrong, them getting defensive. So I let it just be quiet again and consintrated on our families love and my mothers needing someone to talk to. I wanted us to be put back together and no one else was going to be doing that. Allot of the hell and high waters my parents were going through taught me I had to depend on myself. You want something, just shut your trap about it and do it.

I remember when I finally came back home from living in houston, standing out in my back yard. It was over grown, lush and rich like an amazon. It was really beautiful because most of it was my mothers flower beds. I had this great sense come over me. I could feel as like hands of my Creator, handing me to this newness, into the folds of the Mother aspect. I spent a week doing nothing but sleep I was so worn so I tried not to worry about what this meant.

Then I went walking one early morning and the largest sense of clarity I've ever had came over me. I felt unconfused. Everything had a clear sense of reality. I felt 'sane', out of turmoil, out of any pains or sorrows and I wanted nothing more but to keep that. It was only a moment, but I wanted to have that clarity again and again and never let it leave me. The books I used to read of fantasy started becoming what ever books I could find that were metaphysical, spiritual or Native American. I felt more determined than ever that I would find out what my enlightenment was, and how I would heal of my emotional traumas.

By now my mom was worsening. She was getting to where she couldn't work in her gardens anymore. The muscles in her arms and back were dying. My mother was a lady and I treated her as such. I tried to make her a raised bed but soon she couldn't even sit down to work in that.