In this house we had moved into is when dreams started becoming rather unusual for me. I had been through a roller coaster
ride with one man. I was home now, feeling like I had come from a tour in Vietnam during the war there. All was quiet now.
My family was trying to act like things were just normal and it had a wierd feeling to it. I was much closer to my parents
now though. My dad was still wierd and difficult to figure but things were better between us, and a little still much the
same. I was some where around 18/19 here. I had been only a year with this man but it felt like three. I met him when I was
just about to turn 17. At 18 on my birthday is when it dawned on me I had a whole life ahead of me. It had never occured to
me before that I would even live long enough to see my 18th birthday. He was stalking me, he'd follow me if I went out of
my house. He would wait outside during my lunch period in the 12th grade after I had already left him and stand by the windows
where I could see him until the principle noticed and he was arrested.
Still, I was very afraid. I thought he might try to kidnap me or kill me. He had a very bad temper that he had tantrums
with like a three year old. I'm not sure how I got mixed up with this guy. He was way too old and not really my type at all.
He just kind of swept me in and took me for the whole ride. I believe that it was something that was meant to be however,
because I had prayed and these were the answers and the help coming to me. Through him I met his sister in law who was a witch
before they were called Wiccan and she brought me into attention of things about myself. Things I can percieve, and she explained
some things to me. Eventually, she helped me get away from her brother in law who was treating me like a sex object and would
get upset if I didn't or couldn't perform. She helped me rediscover my inner strength ... that child I was so long ago who
believed she had a destiney and climbed trees. In the same time her brother in law was always a step ahead of me, making up
these stages like a play to devour me into. She called him crocodile tears.
After it was all done up though I was afraid to leave my house for a very long time until a friend of mine came over
to take a break. When she was ready to leave I went with her to ride our bikes around the neighborhood and
apply for jobs. I was accepted by this pizza joint for waitressing. The man I feared was long gone. The law kind of kicked
him out of town. I returned to my spiritual pursuit of healing myself and I remembered meditation.
It was a time I felt like everything I thought I had known or believed was swept out from under my feet like a paper
tiger. The structure I was built upon had been like an Ifel tower, falling down like a deck of cards. I began to tell myself
about trust in the truth. I was here dangeling off the edge into the void. So I began to try to cut myself free of the rope
and trust as I free fell. Let go, let God. I believed in trying to find myself.
As I began to meditate myself to sleep at night to try to wash away my anxieties my dreams would be very potent and intense.
I would wake up screaming because someone was at my door and then they would just burst my door open and barge into my room.
My worst nightmares were always of being asleep but aware and paralized and these were even worse now. I had post traumatic
syndrome and in this time it was even more apparent though I didn't know what to call it then.
I started to be visited by this thing I called an astral cat. Sometimes I would find myself in the dreaming but awake,
scared out of my twit until I could feel this big, bob-cat sized cat sleeping right on top of me or right next to me. Sometimes
he would even purr. As long as he was there I could just go back to sleep but there were other things in this state like someone
knocking on my walls and the man who would barge into my room and disapear.
It was potent and frightening but I continued to meditate myself to sleep. During the day, especially at work. If I couldn't
shake myself out of day dreaming sometimes I was in sheer turmoil with anxiety. It felt like I was a tangled web all messed
up in an emotional tornado.
Then I had this one clear dream one night.
I was standing in a forest while these many horses were walking past me from the west to the east. While I stood
there watching this little girl came up to me and asked me if I would like to come with them. I told her yes but I didn't
think I was invited. I didn't think I was wanted. She just quietly took my hand and I began walking with her over these
hills through the forest. As we walked the horses became people and I found myself walking with all these people instead of
We came to a very large camp that was in a desert. It was dusty. Everyone sat down to one huge circle. As I was set
down I looked across from me and I saw several tipi's just behind several elder, Native American men. A woman came beside
me with something to eat. She apologized it couldn't be more. They were cornbread pancakes like my mother would make with
honey on them. When I ate one it was the finest, most divine thing I had ever tasted. I was elated with my experience. The
taste and to be here before the elders like this in a priviliged position. I started to cry and woke up.
I worked the nightshift so one day while I was sleeping in the evening before work. A friend from high school came by to
see me. It was the young man who was my first true love. We stayed together for a very long time. Our first times together
were very tentive. He took me out to see a movie. He would come to see me at work. There had always been something special
about him. When we were in school we shared the same art class and lunch time and I would go where ever he would be just to
be around him somewhere. I guess that could be stalking but I didn't mean any harm. He seemed to think there was something
about me, because these few years later he shows up on my doorstep and is in my living room. Us getting together was instantaneous.
It was like our bodies were just in the way. He filled my empty half. We were so much the flaming souls I could even tell
him what he was thinking sometimes.
He was a very sad person. He had allot of things happen to him before I even met him. While I was trying to find and get
in touch with my spirituality, he was trying to forget. He had been raised in a house of demons, like Amittyville, and this
was how he had come into his own spiritual awareness but he didn't want anything he knew or could do. He was able to astral
travel or out of body. I had a dream of one time he did this and was ambushed by this one. He told me what happened after
I told him the dream I had. It made him a little mad I didn't try to warn him of something, but I thought I was only dreaming.
He could remember past lives. He told me though it was all too soon. He had also already lost one love so he was trying
to keep me at some distance and let me know we weren't going to stay together. Another reason was because I had sexual problems.
I couldn't 'perform', I couldn't reach a climax. We did allot of good for each other though, allot of healing. He pushed my
buttons, trying to make me get up more nerve and speak my mind and use my tenacity. He showed me something about house spirits.
He had some in his house he had moved into. One day he asked me what I could feel in this room, so I pointed to a corner of
the wall and he told me that was one of them there. What some of the ghost hunters with their pictures call a spot. He explained
how they can be seen like a photo negative and do things like make your phone ring, open doors.
I thought I was cool with them when one day he asked me to put this towel up for him into a dark room. I couldn't find
a light switch and I felt a great aprehension to the room not to go in. I could see the darkness moving and making faces at
me just like the nightmares I would have as a child at nine. I decided to walk into the room anyway and put the towel on the
bed as asked when I saw the dark in a small animal shape leap from the bed and literally growl at me. I yipped so loud I sounded
like a mangled puppy and jumped about three feet. He came to see what was the matter with me but he knew what it was. I told
him he'd just have to put it up himself cause I wasn't going back in there.
Near the end of our relationship I moved to houston. It was difficult but things were getting nearly impossible again at
home. This time it was my mother, she was getting really hard on me. I lived in houston for just a few months but I got very
dislocated there. I came back home. I was still calling my first true but we were over.
My mother was very glad to see me back home. She kept saying she didn't realize just how much I did do for her but it made
me feel a little angry with everyone else. Nobody else was helping my mother? I put up with being my mothers punching bag
but she stopped doing most of that when I came back from houston. I could see how my parents were starting to get really down.
They needed support, I was old enough now to do that. I understood then they needed it while I was younger, too young to give
the kind of support and healing my whole family needed. It seemed like we were calling an ambulance once or twice a month
now for my dad with his severe asthma attacks and my mother was getting to were she couldn't do even more things that she
used to could. It came to my realization then that I had the ability to bring some kind of restoration to the sacred hoop
that was my family circle. I started to do that. I didn't think at the time that I still had things I wanted to talk about,
because that would have been the only time we could have. I tried to a few times but the aproaches were always wrong, them
getting defensive. So I let it just be quiet again and consintrated on our families love and my mothers needing someone to
talk to. I wanted us to be put back together and no one else was going to be doing that. Allot of the hell and high waters
my parents were going through taught me I had to depend on myself. You want something, just shut your trap about it and do
I remember when I finally came back home from living in houston, standing out in my back yard. It was over grown, lush
and rich like an amazon. It was really beautiful because most of it was my mothers flower beds. I had this great sense come
over me. I could feel as like hands of my Creator, handing me to this newness, into the folds of the Mother aspect. I spent
a week doing nothing but sleep I was so worn so I tried not to worry about what this meant.
Then I went walking one early morning and the largest sense of clarity I've ever had came over me. I felt unconfused. Everything
had a clear sense of reality. I felt 'sane', out of turmoil, out of any pains or sorrows and I wanted nothing more but to
keep that. It was only a moment, but I wanted to have that clarity again and again and never let it leave me. The books I
used to read of fantasy started becoming what ever books I could find that were metaphysical, spiritual or Native American.
I felt more determined than ever that I would find out what my enlightenment was, and how I would heal of my emotional traumas.
By now my mom was worsening. She was getting to where she couldn't work in her gardens anymore. The muscles in her arms
and back were dying. My mother was a lady and I treated her as such. I tried to make her a raised bed but soon she couldn't
even sit down to work in that.
The Dark Night of My Soul